Blog for Brit (to make her smile)

Ok, before, during and after working in Trauma, I worked in various emergency rooms. In general, working in the ER especially at night can be heinous. Part of our job as ER nurses is to make your unfortunate experience as pleasant as possible. We do try really hard to keep things moving as fast as possible in the ER but as you can imagine, the continual flood of mayhem and carnage makes this challenging. In addition to the pandemonium, we have the non-emergent emergencies such as the teenager with the socially crippling zit so I decided to share a few blurbs of some of the more memorable patients.

Now, we get to the ER and her diagnosis is . . . wait. . . ………. wait for it………..……hemorrhoids! YEP! So here we are with an additional bill for the ER visit that could have been taken care of with some Preparation-H!!

2) Ok, this one was a walk in but apparently “pediculus humanus capitis” is an emergency. To the rest of the world, this is known as head lice.

People, keep in mind that you want the LEAST amount of exposure to others in a case like this. We all itched for the rest of the night. Funny how that happens.

3) An elderly man who cathed himself with a coffee straw because he “just couldn’t pee and it was starting to hurt.” Did the coffee straw NOT hurt you genius? And anyway….it would have at least taken a Sonic Route 66 sized straw! Geez!

4) This is a little more crass but true. A guy literally dumps his girl at the ER (slows at the doors and she gets out) with a “vibrating device” stuck in a “nether region”, and not the “normal nether region.” The girl went to x-ray and it kept on going, and she went to surgery and it kept on going and going. Guess she used Energizer. OOOP!

5) The sweet lady that comes in after fainting at her doctor’s office while having blood drawn.

So what is the first thing we do in the ER? Yep, draw blood. She passed out again. When she woke, she said “oh I always pass out when I have my blood drawn.” So why is it that you are in the ER again?

6) Ok, this one really got me. A female paraplegic patient comes in via ambulance. Of course I immediately feel compassion for someone in such a state. EKG leads placed on patient, vitals taken, foley in place r/t obvious incontinence, some 02 for a slightly below normal Sat. When the physician comes in to assess the patient and find out her reason for the ER visit she states: (I kid you not) “I want a cheeseburger.”

It has taken me a LONG time to see the humor in that one.

7) The guy who was seriously over utilizing the emergency room. A report showed that this patient had been going to 4 or 5 ERs in one day and always the same complaints, low back pain or abdominal pain. When questioned about this he stated “it’s not me.” I told him, of course it’s you. Your insurance card and identification are shown each time you go to the hospital. His reply? “My insurance card might be going to a lot of ER’s, but it’s not my body in the bed.”

And I'm just certain one day with all the radiation exposure from the 70 x-rays per week, this guy's bones will turn into a pile of dust.

8) And my final little blurb………I’d heard of this happening but was not prepared when it did. You ALREADY KNOW, don't ya! A very, very large woman came in complaining of chest pain. While quickly rushing to get her on the monitor, put a gown on her, start an IV and draw blood, we lay her back slightly and from Lord only knows where, out falls a remote.

Her response? Not “OMG I’m so embarrassed” but......“I’ve been looking for that!”

So to all my brothers and sisters who continue to do this day in and day out, sometimes thanklessly, you can look forward to being at the table with the biggest and best goodie bags in Heaven, I’m sure of it!