Diary of a Trauma Nurse

Saturday, May 09, 2009

“Vanity Kills”

My reason for writing this article is for educational purposes. If it helps just one person seek help, then it will be worthwhile. I have an acquaintance who makes her family totally miserable and has never realized what a problem she has. I will give examples throughout and I will call her Anne.

Vanity: the excessive admiration of one's own appearance or achievements

Narcissism: an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one’s physical appearance.

Selfishness: being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.

Self Centered: concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs or interests.

Today's society is full of people desperate for acknowledgment. What we wear, what we drive, how we look, how we act, how we practice religion; it goes on and on. These all feed the need for acknowledgment. Everyone wants to be noticed, and will do anything to make it happen. It's an "acknowledge me" society. Vanity plays a role in many of society's problems. But there are those who take it to the next level.

Anne tries to dress too young, wears WAY too much makeup, tries to act way too young which makes her look ridiculous and even takes anti-aging pills. I hate it for her when she realizes what those are actually doing to her. It's very sad to watch and to hear people talk about her.

In early Christian teachings, vanity was an example of pride, one of the seven deadly sins. Today, vanity kills.

Anne is someone who cannot and will not put anyone or anything before herself. Her family could be destitute and she would still be shopping on QVC, HSN, or MSN. I remember one time we all went camping and we sat waiting for her to “get ready." She emerged from the camper about an hour later with hair, make up and clothing all in place. We were camping for goodness sake!!! I mean come on!!! Some shorts, a baseball cap, ponytail, and brush your teeth!

A narcissist wants to control others and needs attention from admirers.

Anne loves to go out with her girlfriends and loves to have attention of men when they go out but will not allow her husband to talk to or have female friends. She also can spend as much money on clothing, makeup, vacations, and whatever else she wants to but if he were to try to spend any money on himself, that would be unacceptable. Starting to see the pattern? She spends more money on makeup per MONTH than the homeless shelter spends for food for their homeless. (this is not a joke….) At one point her husband lost his job and instead of buckling down to help the family who was struggling financially, she continued to shop, go out with girlfriends and even go on trips WITHOUT her family!

Not everyone who is Vain is a Narcissist, but someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of these symptoms:

*requires excessive admiration
*lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of others
*has a grandiose sense of self-importance
*is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love
*believes that he or she is "special" and unique
*has a sense of entitlement
* takes advantage of others
*is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
*shows arrogant behaviors or attitudes

Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will also exhibit:

*Jealousy and possessiveness
*Excessive need to feel special, adored, loved, appreciated, or admired
*Rage attacks when you do not sufficiently meet his/her needs
*Controlling behaviors (trying to control how you spend your time, who you talk to,
*Inflated self-esteem, or grandiosity (bragging, "fishing" for compliments)
*Dramatic, insecure behaviors
*Expecting you to take responsibility for making him/her feel better about him/herself
*Blaming you for behaviors ("YOU made me do this," or "YOU made me feel this way.")
*Not taking responsibility for angry behavior and justifying angry outbursts
*An attitude that demonstrates "you need to cater to my opinions, thoughts, and feelings."
*An unwillingness to reflect on his/her own behaviors 

A NPD on a rampage is dangerous, they are calculating and vengeful - any slight they feel they have suffered has to be punished. Think of how a spoiled child acts and you will understand NPD rage.

Anne at one point believed that her husband was having an affair with absolutely no proof whatsoever. Only suspicion on her part. (Is it true what they say? You blame others for what you’re doing) This was even after he had caught her in a compromising position with another man. She made threats against this woman’s life, called her family on multiple occasions, stalked the woman, all the while continuing to go out with her girlfriends and seeing another man on the side herself!!! Unbelievable!

-Narcissists are jealous of people who they think are more attractive or smarter
-Narcissists use sex to exploit, control and to receive attention

Knowledge is power, and once you understand why they do what they do - because they are sick - and then see how they do it, you will suddenly feel more powerful. Just don't think you can win by playing by their rules - they make up the rules to their games.

It’s easy to say, just walk away but many people can’t just walk away. Because of family responsibilities, children that are involved or whatever else. What you CAN do, is walk away mentally. Take care of YOURSELF! And don't allow yourself to be treated sub human.

And if you’re wondering if this article is about you, then it probably is. Get some help.

National Institute of Mental Health's Hotline (888) 826-9438

CoryTraumaRN posted today at 3:40 PM

Comments:

its nice to know other people can see this problem. there must be a lot of those kind of people around. but let me tell you.... this "Anne" character sounds like a real bitch. do they have a PILL to take care of this problem? i know one who could use it.

K

# posted by

Anonymous : 10:28 PM

Well hello again faithful reader! Yes, there actually IS a pill for this problem. And there ARE many people out there with this problem. It's just getting the individual(s) to realize they have a problem. Sounds like you know someone like this?

# posted by

CoryTraumaRN : 10:43 PM

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